Akane: PI Extraordinare
by Erie Maxwell
Summary: Three years after the failed wedding, an oddly acting Akane has just hired the sob story Ranko. Somehow, our young hero has managed to escape the grasps of his fiancee's memory, but for how long? I've decided to say it's an AU. Chap. 3 soon
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma ½, I just hero worship it and Rumiko Takahashi, of course.  
  
Chapter One  
  
I was down to my last applicant and my last nerve by the time ten-o-clock rolled around. I had spent the day fending off the numerous weirdoes, wackos and just plain crazy idiots who had heard I needed a secretary. Some, like Kuno who had shown up seven, count 'em seven times, six and a- half to 'court' me as he so amply put it, were old and well known 'acquaintances'. Others, like a baby-faced kid who insisted he was nineteen, and what's more the head of some 'Tendo Akane Fan Club', I had never seen before in my life. I was wondering how much Nabiki would ask for if I took her up on her offer to hook me up with one of her. 'associates' when I heard a loud pounding which turned to a soft knock after a moment on my office door. I sighed, cringing as I imagined what kind of imbecilic guy ('cause only a man would be stupid enough to come to a detective agency at ten at night. Well, either that or a customer) would be waiting out there. I grabbed the handle, braced myself and threw open the door to face. a girl. I stared at her in disbelief for a second, than, realizing how rude I was being, ushered her in. As I sat down, I studied my guest. She was about my age, a few inches shorter and long hair, the reddest colour I had seen in years, pulled back in a double-end-tied ponytail. She seated herself across from me and grinned confidently at me, as if she was sure she already had the job. I smirked back and leaned forward. "So, what's your name?"  
  
She seemed to be lost in thought for a moment, than quickly snapped back to life. "I'm.Ranko!"  
  
'Hmm, that's original!' I ignored the tinge of sarcasm in my head and asked, "Now Ranko, you really are a girl? Not just some weirdo trying to get in here so you can grope me or something, right?" She gave me a weird look and laughed nervously.  
  
"O-of course! Umm, maybe I outta go."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry! Don't go, I must sound like a complete lunatic it's just that the boys in this town aren't exactly the type to realize that a beating everyday does not mean I'm falling over myself to go out with them. You just never know what they'd do!"  
  
"The persistent type? Those are the worse, especially stupid bokken waving, poetr- but you don't want to hear about me!"  
  
I sat up straighter. "No, no I have the exactly same problem! There's this guy, Kuno who I've known for awhile now and that's exactly how he acts! I remember when I was a kid he got the whole male population of my school to challenge me all the time, and he hasn't gotten any better. I thought it might be him again when you knocked. I was so glad when I saw you weren't a guy! I swear, if I had to see one more man today. but why am I telling you this? I'm sorry, it- are you okay?" I stared down at the spot where Ranko was picking herself and her chair up.  
  
"Uh yeah, yeah. You just surprised me, that's all." She looked extremely uncomfortable. I leaned forward on my desk and studied her.  
  
"You know, you look vaguely familiar."  
  
"Umm, really? Heh, I get that a lot! Guess I've just got one of those faces, right?!"  
  
"Right." I still wasn't completely satisfied, but I didn't know what exactly was bugging me, so I started the interview. "So, how did you hear about this job?"  
  
* * *  
  
An hour and a half later, I had found my new secretary. Ranko had been found and raised by a team of hot spring appraisers. No one knew where her true origin was, nor what had happened to her parents, but that team had raised her very well, home schooling her, playing with her and even teaching her a little martial arts! Things were going well for her until one horrible day three years ago on her sixteenth birthday, the only family she had ever known began dropping like flies from the dreaded, yet little known 'Uneven Disease'. According to Ranko, the victim slowly shrinks on one side of the body, while the other remains the same. This eventually tears the victim in two. Having spent most of their money on wheelchairs and useless antidotes, by the time the last appraiser was gone, Ranko was broke. She went to many job interviews, but no one wanted a girl with such a shady past on their payroll. She was about to throw herself in the nearest river when she heard of this job and decided it was her one last shot. I shook my head in both pity and compressed ridiculousness. I knew I really should doubt her absurd story, but all I could think of was all this girl must have gone through in this plight. I stood up and grabbed her hand, shacking it. "I've heard enough, you'll do fine Welcome to A.T.N.T. Crime Agency."  
  
"That's a real innovative name." Ranko said. She sounded oddly sarcastic, but I chalked that up to obvious social skills she must be lacking and pushed it out of my mind.  
  
"Oh yeah, my sister thought of it. Said it would be better for our business, sponsor wise." I laughed to myself, remembering. something. I knew it had to do with Nabiki and someone else, a vague, foggy character in my memory; but I couldn't quite piece together all the information. It was a very uncomfortable feeling, like having all but the most important piece in a jig-saw puzzle. Sighing, I glanced at my watch and recoiled. "11:30! Oh no, P-Chan!"  
  
An odd smirk played on Ranko's lips. "P-Chan?!?!" She sounded as if she was about to break into peals of laughter, but at the moment I didn't have time to question her.  
  
"Yes, he's my pet piglet. I forgot to feed him this morning!" Actually, I hadn't forgotten so much as my attention had been swayed by a certain poetry sprouting numbskull. Normally I wouldn't be blaming Kuno for every little thing, but today had not been fun and he had started it off badly. I grabbed my keys and raced up the office stairs to my apartment with Ranko in tow.  
  
"Do you mind if I see him? It's just that I love all animals so very much. In fact, at one time I had a pet piglet!"  
  
I shrugged and let the girl in. We were both welcomed by sweet little "bwee" s. I picked him up and snuggled him. "Hi baby! Look, I brought someone to see you! This is Ranko." Turning towards her, I thought I saw a flash of a diabolic grin, but I could have been mistaken. Still, it reminded me of another cloudy memory. Shaking my head, I put on my best hostess face. "Would you like something to eat or drink? I just made cookies last night."  
  
Ranko winced, than quickly (a little too quickly, if you asked me) replied, "Oh, I'm not hungry at. In fact, I'm rarely hungry! I ate three gallons of ice cream before I came here! I'm allergic to all baked goods!" Taking a deep breath, she raggedly said, "Just some water please."  
  
I looked at her strangely, than shrugged and walked towards the kitchen. "Oh, you can play with P-Chan if you want! I'll be right back."  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: Alright, there. I'm finally posting one of my Ranma ficcies. Oh, and Akane is acting so demure and. oddly because of plot purposes, not because I don't know her character. Ja ne! 


	2. Chapter Two: Ranma's POV

Chapter Two  
  
Today had been a weird day, but hell, for me everyday is weird! I had been wandering around, feeling quite Ryoga-ish and wondering if I'd had to track Pop down for food money (not that he'd ever give it to me, but I could always 'borrow' it) when an advertisement in the classifieds caught my eye. Normally I wouldn't be caught dead applying for some stupid desk job, but I really did need the money, for food, shelter and. otherwise, and after all, it was at a detective agency! I had it all worked out a few minutes later: I'd work there for a few months, climb my way up to top P.I. and be outta here by this time next year. No sweat, I could do it. I'm a Saotome, I can do anything!  
  
With that in mind, I walked straight across town, through three freak rainstorms and one typhoon. By the time I reached the A.T.N.T. doors, my clothes were reasonably dry, although my hair was not. I had thrown on a woman's business suit after the third time the sky had darkened on me, and amazingly, that was when the rain ended. Typical. "Oh well," I thought aloud, "Might help me get the job! Good first impression on this guy." I rapped on the door and waited. A few seconds later it was answered by a cute, obviously overstressed woman, around my age. She stared at me for a moment, so I stared right back, but quickly stopped. She might get the wrong idea.  
  
She escorted me in once she caught herself and, grinning, I plopped down into the chair across from her desk. She fixed her desk up a bit, organizing some papers and making me wonder if maybe she was the one I was replacing. Too bad, she seemed to be okay, for a girl of course. Oh well, to the victor go the spoils, and I needed any spoils I could get my hands on!  
  
"So, what's your name?" Oh crap, I hadn't thought about that! Think, dammit, think! Umm, umm.  
  
"I'm Ranko!" I was having a little trouble thinking straight now, and I began plotting the quickest escape route. Why, you may ask? Because I knew this girl. Her hair, her voice, none of it had really changed much in the past year. Oh sure, she looked more sure of herself now, but it was still Akane, and if she knew who I was she wouldn't be satisfied with just malleting me into LEO. No, she would probably have some far worse destination for me, like six feet under. But maybe it wasn't Akane! After all, I'm sure plenty of girls look.and sound.and remind me more than anything of -. Yeah, this is ridiculous. It couldn't be her, I was just imagining things!  
  
"Now Ranko, you really are a girl? Not just some weirdo trying to get in here so you can grope me or something, right?" Oh crap, she was onto me! Not that I was in here to grope her, no sane (and I empathize the word sane) person would want to, but oh damn it, she's recognized me!  
  
"Umm, of course! I outta get going." Okay, out the window, into the dumpster I saw on the way in and if I'm lucky I'll be home free!  
  
"Oh no, don't go!" Well, this is weird. Akane (if it was her) wasn't acting at all like herself, or at least the one I knew. She was being fairly nice to me, telling me about herself and Kuno, and she still hadn't grabbed a large mallet out of thin air to attack me with! Maybe it wasn't her.  
  
".I was just so glad you weren't a guy!" I ducked to the ground, waiting for Akane to murder me. All she did was look at me worriedly. Slowly picking myself up, I realized she had no idea who I was. Yes, fortune smiles upon me once again!  
  
* * *  
  
An hour and a half later, I had finished the interview and was considering my sanity level. I had made up the most ridiculous life history I could come up with for Ranko. and the tomboy had bought it! S now I had a job and my own apartment. (I was given the one in the office's basement) Suddenly, Akane let out a shriek.  
  
"Oh no, P-Chan!"  
  
A grin found it's way to my face before I could control it. "P-Chan?!?!" I wondered how the little bundle-o'-pork was doing, so I quickly followed Akane up the stairs. After I managed to decline an offer for her * shudder * cookies, I was left in the company of a certain black piglet.  
  
"My, but ain't you cute! So much like my own dear, sweet, uh, Charlotte!" I said loudly, testing to see if this was all just a ruse for Akane to murder me in a nice, out of the public's eye, most likely sound proof area. When no answer was heard from the hostess, I relaxed and turned towards my companion.  
  
"So, 'P-Chan' what's been up? 've ya got any new techniques? See anywhere nice? Did'ja find some new girl starting with 'A' to adopt you, or are you just sticking with 'Kane?" In reply, Ryoga bit me. "Oww! Hey you stu-." I heard footsteps close by and fell to the ground, moaning in mock pain, just as Akane walked back in. Noticing my position, she ran over and grabbed Ryoga off my arm.  
  
"Are you okay? Jeese, I'm so sorry! P-Chan is usually so good. I don't know what could've gotten into him!" I smiled weakly at her, trying not to laugh.  
  
"Oh, I'll be fine. What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger, ne? But the little sweetheart has had all his shots, right?"  
  
"Yes, yes of course. I got him all fixed up about six years ago, when I first got him, but maybe we should bring you to a doctor."  
  
"Oh, that's oka-." I started.  
  
"Nope, don't even try to stop me, tomorrow I'm bringing you to this great doctor I know."  
  
"But -" Oh crap, Tofu would recognize me straight off.  
  
"Sorry, this is my first official order for you! G'night!"  
  
She pushed me out the door and down the two flights of stairs before I could retort. I glared at the corner of her door I could see and sighed, pulling the door to my new house open. It was fairly nice, with a small kitchen and a futon already rolled out for me. I lay down to close my eyes for half a second, and was almost immediately asleep.  
  
* * *  
  
I was a bit confused the next morning when I woke up in a strange room, but that was soon cleared up when I opened my door to find my new boss standing there, arms crossed and scowling. "Finally! I've been knocking for an hour now, and. you still are dressed?! We're going to be late!" I glanced sleepily at the little clock on the wall and yelped. "9:00?! Damn it Akane, why didn't you wake me up sooner dummy? Not that I expect much from a tomboy like you, but." I bit my tongue as I woke up a bit more and finally realized where I was. "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?!" Oh great, my first day, and already I'm going to get malleted. Life really sucks sometimes, you know. "Oh, umm I'm s-sorry." Amazingly, the world didn't end. "I. I thought you were. someone else! Yeah, that's it, someone else." I smiled to myself at my clever cover. She glared at me a little less venomously as she asked, "And who would that be?"  
  
"My old fiancée!"  
  
Now the anger was completely gone, replaced by utter confusion. "Fiancée?!?!"  
  
"Oh yeah, well it was just an arranged thing by my Pop and she lives in. Alberta!" I was sure I had heard of that place somewhere.  
  
She stared openly. "You're engaged to a girl?"  
  
Of course! Honestly, what kind of question was that, anyways? Only a complete moron would try to engage -.  
  
"O-okay, great! Anyways Ranko, I got you an appointment at 9:30 with the doctor, so you'd better get ready. Meet me in the office when you're dressed, 'kay?"  
  
With that Akane walked up the stairs, leaving me to contemplate the sudden realization that my fiancée seemed to have absolutely no clue as to my true identity. I put myself on the line with all the subtle (and not-so-subtle) clues I had dropped, the most obvious being the name; and yet Akane hadn't even flinched. Was it possible that I had treated her so horribly in the past that she had driven the thought of me out of her mind? Or on the flip side, maybe she had been so devastated by my absence. okay, that's just ridiculous. But I wasn't that bad either, so it was back to the drawing board. Pulling on the nearest shirt and pants I could reach, I walked as slowly as I could up the path Akane had treaded a few moments before. 


	3. A GoodbyeFor Now

Hiya! Well, I've decided to drop this, at least for a while. Now you may be asking yourself, 'Why Erie? Is it because you've lost interest in this? Is it because you've decided to concentrate on school?' My answer is simple: No.  
  
So why am I doing this? Well, it's because, quite simply, this story scares me. I honestly don't know what on earth I was ON when I dreamed this up. Well I actually I do know, it was that damn mixture of Dayquil and Nightquil. I still don't remember the motivation behind my doing that other than curiosity and the fact that the fever had taken over the smallest part of my brain, which controls the application of common sense to everyday life. Not that I really listen to that part of me much anyways, but I suppose I should have known better.  
  
Just for those out there who don't think APIE is THAT odd, try to remember that I know where all this was going. It's SCARY odd, even for me! Well than, why don't I change it? It's mostly because I have little to no control over my imagination. When a plot idea is in there, it stays no matter what my left-brain says.  
  
So, to wrap this up, don't fret. I've got other stories, and one day I will come back to this. Most likely it will be another fever day, so that'll be fairly soon!  
  
'Til next story!  
  
-Erie Maxwell 


End file.
